Kick, baby, kick!!

OK, so I've been holding out on something else, too. I didn't want to blog about it until I was sure, and I wasn't sure because it was so early, but now I'm pretty certain. I am feeling the baby move!! I don't feel it all the time, not even every day, but I am occasionally feeling the little tiny kicks. The first time was Dec. 17 (exactly 15 weeks), at an annual cookie exchange. I was sitting at the dining table talking to my friend Ann and I felt what seemed to be a little bubble. It was there one second, then then gone. I didn't react, or say anything, but I was pretty sure then that it was our little one. I had been trying to get the baby to make itself known to me for a while (which basically consists of belly rubbing and pep talks on the couch), so it was great! It almost felt like gas, but it was somehow less fluid. It was like a firm bubble. I don't know how to describe it!! But it was awesome!! And then, the next day, as I took my tax final, I felt the baby move twice! And I have been feeling little movements periodically since then. Just this morning, I was lying in bed with DH and family cat, cuddling, and the little one wanted to make me aware that (s)he was awake too. I can't wait until the kicks become more regular, and a bit stronger. (I might regret that wish when I'm trying to sleep in May and baby's showing off its mad soccer skills).

Anyway! Wanted to share. And document. :)

Christmas Day

I know I posted yesterday and didn't mention this, but I was tired and busy at the same time, and I wanted to focus on the positive aspects of the trip home for Christmas. Here's the scary part.

Christmas Eve night I had some serious drama (family stuff) and I was pretty upset. DH was great at calming me down, and I had just settled and decided to go to bed when I went to the bathroom and there was a bit of brown spotting. My heart sank. I kept telling myself not to get too upset again, that it's bad for baby, and told DH. I called my doctor and the nurse said I should be seen within the next 24 hours, immediately if it didn't slow down. She kept mentioning incompetent cervix, and describing the procedure they'd do if that was the problem. It was scary.

Luckily the spotting slowed down over the next hour or hour and a half, so I went to bed. We woke up Christmas morning (to more, lighter, spotting) and headed to the ER. The doc there was really nice. He felt my uterus and said he would have guessed I was 18 weeks - it's right up there by my belly button! (I was 16 weeks 1 day). He quizzed me on the certainty of my due date (I told him I was pretty sure since I'd been charting), and then he said we're probably just having a big baby. EEK! Anyway, then he listened to the baby's heartbeat (again, such an amazing sound). He said he thought it was probably just some quirky thing, and I probably didn't need a full exam. I said let's do it anyway - I couldn't get that stupid nurse's voice out of my head. So he did, and it was fine. He said worse case scenario the bleeding doesn't stop and I have to come back in, and it might be placenta previa, but most likely it's just the placenta bleeding along the edge. No big deal, and I can wait until my next doctor's appointment to check it out unless it comes back. Whew. Breathe.

It's over now - no more spotting - and the next morning my belly popped. I feel much better, but I'll probably not be totally at ease until our big ultrasound next month.

Merry Christmas from baby!

DH and I woke up on Wednesday morning and there was an extra belly in bed with us. :)

Annoyed

Airport lines (with family cat) + not being able to get anywhere anyway + dressed for warmer weather + public transportation + walk through the snow with bags and family cat + pregnancy hormones. You tell me how my morning was!

Growing Pains

I've been having some stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. I think it's just ligament pain, but it's annoying. And it's scary at times - it comes and goes, but sometimes it's pretty painful. Especially when I catch myself off guard and sneeze. Eek!

But the good news is, my belly is starting to come out a bit. I noticed it in the shower the other day... DH said now it's undeniable, and I'm happy to say that someone outside our little family acknowledged it! I showed my friend PT, and she said she could see it too! I won't say what she said it looked like... but she saw it! :)

14 weeks...

So, according to the scale at the doc's office, I've gained two pounds since my checkup at 10 weeks. Which is good. That was the first relief of the day.

The second relief was the beautiful woosh-woosh-woosh coming from my belly. I love that sound.

Big ultrasound at Big Hospital on Jan 22. Hopefully we can find out the sex of the baby! DH thinks it's a boy (or at least strongly hopes). I maintain my thought that it's a girl. I call the baby she and her. We'll see soon enough. :) Exciting!!

Wow

Our baby is the size of a softball. And she can suck her thumb.

Weighty Issues

So maybe this is partially just me being a normal pregnant woman, worried about everything, but I have to get it out anyway. I am worried that I haven't gained any weight. I lost 5 pounds in the first trimester, and have been really steady at my current weight for at least a month. (5 pounds down). I'm 14 weeks now, and my belly is starting to stick out a bit (though, again, hardly anyone can tell - maybe no one but DH and me), and I'm still net negative. All the websites say I should have gained about 5 by now. We'll see what the doctor says on Thursday, but I'm nervous.

And since it's been almost a month since I've been to el doctor, I feel nervous about the upcoming visit. What if they can't find the heartbeat? Or what if they do but they don't know that the baby's not growing correctly? So much can still go wrong, I'm still worried. I know that stress and worrying don't help anything, but I'm still nervous. It's weird because I'm so excited about this baby but at the same time part of me tries to make some sort of wall, preparing myself for the possibility that it won't pan out. As is typical of my ever-planning personality, I am always thinking of what to do if we get bad news. I actually had to stop myself from making a list of people we'd email just in case. How morbid is that? Seriously.

I am ready to go to the doc, hear the baby's heartbeat, and feel a bit more at ease. But I have a final to study for before that. Perhaps that means I should get to outlining Securities law. Blech.

Baby bump

DH and I think we can see a very tiny baby bump, very low in my abdomen. Nobody else can see it because (1) it would be indecent for me to show them and (2) I think you'd have to be pretty familiar with my body to be able to see a difference at all. But it's there. :)

For some time, too, when I wear jeans, I have to unbutton when I sit (especially early in the jean-wearing, before they've started to "give"). Rather than buttoning and unbuttoning in class, today I gave up and used a rubber band. It feels so good to be able to relax! The constant pinching and digging was getting annoying. :)

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

It's DH's birthday today, and that's always an exciting day, but today was even better. We had a doctor's appointment this morning and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat! It was so amazing! At first we weren't sure the doctor was going to be able to find it - she kept saying "that's you... that's you...", but a few tense moments in and there was the woosh-woosh-woosh! What a beautiful sound! :)

And for our birthdays (mine is Saturday), my friend M (aka Mother Goose and Ruthless) got us our first item of baby clothing: a sweet little white sleeper. So adorable. I still can't believe there is going to be a person in our house that small very soon. But instead of being overwhelmed and scared, like I thought I might be (and like I was at the diapers), I was pretty excited. :) And so was DH. We can't wait!

Last night we got to hang out with some friends of ours who just had a baby a few weeks ago, and it was awesome to hold him and think about how someday soon I'll be holding my baby, and I'll be the one leaving the room to nurse, and DH will be the one asking "Is it my turn to hold my son yet?" It was also really cool to see how interested DH is in all of the baby "things" - the little vibrating chair, the clothing, the changing stuff. He's still pretty scared to hold a newborn (though he did a bit), but he stared at the baby a whole lot. I love that he's so interested. I can't wait until he is (well, we both are) learning about our little one!!

The glass is half empty today

So it turns out a week full of studying (often the wrong things for) Securities Regulation in preparation for being on panel, preparing for the MPRE, taking the MPRE, and trying to edit a 40,000-word journal article, all while being constantly nauseated and exhausted and hormonal & irritated is not the most fun thing in the world.

And even better news: I didn't get the job I flew out to interview for over flyout week. This puts serious questions in our heads about our future plans.

UGH. Back to work I guess.

Sigh of Relief

Went to the doctor yesterday. After being chided for not drinking enough water to fill my bladder (to be fair, I had only one hours' notice and she didn't tell me I'd have to drink like an entire ocean), I had an internal ultrasound - and we got to see our baby for the first time. It was so amazing. Baby has a good strong heartbeat (153 bpm) and two arms and two legs. Baby is flying solo in his or her uterine world, which I'll admit is a relief (though DH was disappointed).

The only bad thing they saw was a cyst on my right ovary, which they said might be causing the bleeding. But they're not concerned about it - the nurse said that my body will likely just absorb it. (Good thing).

So all is well. The nurse said that at 8 weeks, with a strong heartbeat, the likelihood of something going wrong is pretty low, so we've starting telling people. I told my dad ("I'm going to be a grand-pappy!"), DH told his mom ("Oh dear, one more thing for me to worry about"), and we told other family members and friends from school. DH really likes just springing it on people. It's awesome. He's very excited now, especially since we saw the baby.

We told our small group last night - that was fun. We have an icebreaker every week, and I suggested that we talk about a book we're currently reading. I was last, and I mentioned a couple of my casebooks, and... "What to Expect When You're Expecting!" All the girls started squealing, and once they figured out what was going on, the guys were excited too. It was tons of fun.

So, overall it turned out to be good.

Scary morning...

Started spotting this morning. That was very frightening. It still is, actually. I called the clinic, and the on-call doctor told me not to bother coming in today because it will be like pulling teeth to get an ultrasound. But I'm supposed to call first thing in the morning, and they'll take a look.

Hopefully everything is fine and this just means we'll get a sooner look at our baby. I'm praying for that.

But it means DH and I will both have to miss class tomorrow, in the craziest week of the semester. Oh well. One more little sacrifice for our baby - and I'm sure there will be plenty more to come.

First doctor's visit (sort of...)

Our first doctor's appointment was last Friday, and it was exciting. DH and I met with the nurse practitioner, and she was very positive. Turns out we are very low risk! Woo-hoo!! We just sat in chairs next to the desk, staring at very frightening posters about labor positions as she asked us about a million questions about our medical histories. Then we went downstairs, where they collected some "samples" and DH just about passed out at the mere thought of the needle they used to take my blood. (Especially when I told him they took 5 vials!) I'm so glad I'm having this baby and not him - he'd never be able to cope!! :)

The craziest thing about the whole ordeal was, the NP sent us home with a packet of information to read over and bring to our next appointment (on DH's birthday, at which we will get our first look at the little one!!) and a bag of goodies. This bag of goodies included coupons, a parenting magazine (frightening), nursing pads (very frightening), and the thing that sent me over the edge: diapers. When I pulled them out of the bag when we got home, I lost it. I freaked out. "Holy crap. What are we doing?" I couldn't believe there were actual diapers in our apartment. For a child that will be here, soon. I started crying. DH for once had to comfort me: "It's going to be OK - we're going to be fine..." I was freaking out. Really. I don't think I've ever been more frightened of any major life change. I suppose that's normal, and probably good. Still, it was scary.

Anyway, I'm getting over the shock now. I'm still a little freaked out, but overall I know God is in control - he wouldn't give us this baby if we weren't ready, right? Or at least if we weren't prepared to do what is in His plan...

By way of pregnancy symptom update, I've been feeling a bit more queasy lately. It's pretty constant, actually. Especially when it's time to eat, just after I eat, after riding in a car, when smelling strong smells (esp. gasoline), and when thinking about all of the above. Still haven't gotten sick (knock on wood) but I've gotten pretty close a couple of times... Other than that, and still being pretty constantly wiped out, I think I'm pretty symptom-less. Hallelujah!

6 weeks

Just getting around to posting this from last weekend:


Still looks the same...

Passion Impressions

I went to the Passion Conference in Boston this past weekend, and I just wanted to record some of the impressions I left with. Friday night as I was listening to the worship music and just reveling in the moment, I had the thought that THIS is what I want for my child. I want him to feel this way, to be totally and completely in love with God, and to feel His love beaming back. And it occurred to me that this was not an abstraction anymore; it was very specific. I wanted this not for my vague future children, but for this child. Wow. Sometimes I'm still totally surprised by the fact that there is a person inside me.

Later that night Louie Giglio talked about who we are as people, and who we are as Christians. He was talking about how we are chosen, called, cherished, etc. But the first thing he mentioned is that we are created. He was saying how even at the very beginning it's a miracle, because one cell from your father and one cell from your mother come together to form one cell. And from that one cell your entire body developed. It's so amazing. I've always loved the verses like Jeremiah 1:5 ("Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...") and Psalm 139:13 ("For you created my imnost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb"), but now they suddenly have a different meaning. Instead of being the one created, I am the womb. It's a beautiful change of circumstance. I love the idea that God knows this baby. God knew this baby before this baby was one cell. Probably before I was one cell. I am in awe of the Creator.

6 weeks (ish): Random thoughts

So, depending on who's counting, we're either in Week 6 or Week 7. I'm assuming based on my chart that I'm 5 weeks plus a little. This means that Baby is the size of an apple seed. That really blows my mind. There is a person inside me, and said person is somewhere between 2 and 4 mm long!

I am still a bit in shock, and still sometimes can't believe it. ("What if it was a false positive?") But DH and I are definitely both excited now. It helps to tell people. We haven't told everyone, mostly just people who knew we were trying and who were listening to us (well, me) whine about it all along, and people we're really close to. (We haven't told our families yet. I'm not sure when we will - probably after our first doctor's appointment). I keep thinking if other people know about it then it will seem more real. And it's been fun seeing people's reactions. Some people have squealed, some have yelled "Nu-Uh!", some have cried, some have just hugged us. It's been really great to have so many supportive people in our lives.

I haven't had any really bad symptoms yet - it's still been little stuff. I've been more tired, more thirsty, and more gassy, my eyes are pretty dry, and my chest is sometimes achy, but that's pretty much it. (My lower back is also pretty sore but I'm not sure if that's related...). I thought for sure I'd have morning sickness from Day 1, but I've been lucky so far. Hopefully that will stay away!!

A note about due date, though, since I haven't blogged it. According to all of the calendars I've now subscribed to online, the baby will be here in the beginning of June. Oddly enough, I will also graduate from law school in the beginning of June. What an adventure!! Studying for the bar with a newborn! Woo-hoo!!

It's so crazy that I'm writing this right now. I'm really pregnant, huh? Weird.

Interesting tidbit of the day...

What I learned today from pregnancy-calendars.net:

Did You Know?
Back in the "olden days" before pregnancy tests were invented, people devised all sorts of methods to determine if a woman was pregnant, and it was said that the saliva from a pregnant woman would make a goat vomit.

Nice. Who figured that one out?

Still in disbelief

It's been a couple of days, and I suppose I'm still a little in shock over the whole thing. I can't believe we're having a baby! It's so crazy. I'm going to be someone's mommy. Weird.

I haven't had any big symptoms so far - it's been a lot of little stuff. I'm a little tired, a little crampy, a little sore, and I've had some crying fits (mood swings are my thing apparently) but overall it's been fine. In fact if I hadn't seen that very quick, very dark line on Wednesday morning I would think I was on my period!

I guess I'm feeling a lot of different things right now: one minute I am so excited I can barely stand it; the next minute I'm scared out of my mind ("What did we do?? WHAT were we THINKING?!?"); the next I'm totally in denial. And then I'm crying. It's so insane in my head right now. I can't really concentrate on anything else. School seems so boring (partly because of the courses I'm taking), and nothing else is exciting enough to distract me. I had two job interviews on Wednesday after I found out, and halfway through one of the interviews I remembered that I was pregnant and almost burst into tears again. Crazy.

DH is doing well, but he's taking a bit longer to say he's "excited." He's in "HOLY CRAP" mode most of the time right now. But I sort of knew that would be the case; he's a realist. He'll be in "HOLY CRAP" mode more or less for the next 20 years. :) But I think he'll slowly mix it with excitement.

Guess what?

So our thinking has changed a million times in the past 10 months. In May we decided to go for it again, and then in September I started charting, mostly because our window was closing and I knew I'd probably regret it if I didn't. Also I knew I was in the right place at that time. I know that it is God who creates life. We are simply His instruments.

Charting was an amazing release. I took my temperature at 8:00 every morning and then I was mostly done thinking about it for the day - I was no longer obsessing about whether I was or wasn't ovulating. It was clear. (That's not to say I didn't think about it at all; I did. I had a link to my chart online. But it was a different mindset).

Anyway, I waited until 16 days past ovulation according to my chart (which was today) and took a pregnancy test. It was immediately and very clearly POSITIVE! We're pregnant!!!

What shifted

I think the problem was I wanted to control it too much. Even when I said I didn't, I did. Even now when I'm freer than ever, I know deep down I still feel like it's my decision.

Honestly I just don't want to think about it anymore. I want to enjoy DH and just let go. I want to leave it totally up to God.

I keep thinking that what is really going on is that I both really really want to have a baby right now and really really don't. DH says that it means we shouldn't go for it, and I agree; where we differ is in what that looks like.

He says that doing nothing is doing something. I point to statistics and say no it's not. If we're not trying then we might get pregnant, but we might also not. We're not sure which way we're going yet. But it's kind of cool to know that whatever happens is for our good, and to really realize that we have nothing to do with it.

Sorry for the ramble... I'm hopped up on Diet Coke and it's past my bedtime. :)

Something changed

Something inside me changed this weekend.

I'm not sure I still want this, right now.

I feel so confused, but so incredibly free.

Maybe next month

:(

New lingo

I'm learning all kinds of new lingo in this babymaking process. Since I started reading up on forums, etc. almost a year ago, I feel like I've gained a new vocabulary. For example, "DH and I were TTC, so we BD'd right at O (used OPK), and only 10 DPO I did a HPT - BFP!!" [note: this is not my actual experience, but only an example of the language! :)]

Predictions, anyone?

People say they "just knew" when they got pregnant. I am not sure how that's possible. I try really hard to refrain from prediction, because I convince myself every month that each little ache and pain and stomach rumble is a sign of pregnancy. Maybe it's partly because of my husband's "expect-the-worst" philosophy, but I am trying really hard not to get myself all psyched up and then get disappointed.

Truth be told, I probably only ovulated between 3 and 5 days ago. Since I am not temping yet, it's hard to tell on the timing, but I think I am learning to be more aware of my body. I think I made a pretty close prediction on ovulation time this month; better than I've ever done before. So I think we had the best chance this month of any so far. But I'm not making any predictions. I'm hoping, I'm praying, but I'm not predicting.

Green-eyed temperature taker?

One of our couple friends at church told us today they're pregnant. I was so excited for them - it's great. They're going to be great parents. I am just admittedly a little bit jealous. They decided to try, and BOOM. A week later it happened. It makes me really upset in a way; I just don't think it's fair. But I know life isn't fair, and I know that I have to wait on God. But it's still hard to not feel a little bit resentful.

So far we've had a pretty minimalist approach to conception. We've just gone off the pill; we're young (we're both only 24), we're healthy, we like sex, it'll happen, right? But last week we decided that if we don't make it this try we're going to get a BBT thermometer. (I admit that the event outlined above has probably cemented that decision in my mind). I don't want to get obsessive, but I also want to get pregnant in time to have the baby during school, and not when I'll be starting to work. I suppose we'll see in a few weeks if I need to head to Target.

By way of introduction

Our little family currently consists of me (Portia), a law student; my husband (whose blogger identity remains unknown), a seminary student, and our five-month-old kitten. We're hoping to expand that family to include a little one yet to be conceived. The purpose of this blog is to have an outlet for our feelings during this process and to have a journal-like record of the ordeal for posterity. :)

We've decided to try to get pregnant during my second year of law school, and ideally have the baby during my third year. We made this decision over a year ago, and (at least I) anxiously awaited the time when we could actually start trying!! I went off the Pill in November, and we waited a month to actually "try." We've had unsuccessful attempts in December, January, and February so far. We're both ready for it to happen; we're just I guess waiting on God's time.

In case you were wondering, "Arrow in the Quiver" comes from Psalm 127:3-5: "Sons are a heritage to from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them..."